Titans on the Set!

"You want us to what?!" Dana said, shocked.

"Star in an episode of Vampire Journals!" said the pretentious man they'd been dragged in to speak to. Dana, hidden behind his Green Lantern mask, of course, and Rose playing the part of Equinox sat at the conference table with any number of high-powered Hollywood executives. They were all staring at the Titans in their midst with fake smiles plastered on their faces. Dana found it all very peculiar.

"The... soap opera?" Dana said slowly. "Why?"

"We believe there's room in our program for a good superhero cameo." the executive at the head of the table said. "It would be something fun to do for the people of Los Angeles. They're used to seeing you lot on the news. Now they can see you on their favorite show!"

"I don't know if I'd categorize Vampire Journals as a city-wide favorite." Dana said, unable to suppress a scoff. "I mean, it... it's a little tacky."

"Well, we may not be the most sophisticated serial, but we do have a sizable audience share." another executive pressed. "And we need someone to come to Nyte Blade's rescue!"

"Nyte Blade?" Dana said, thinking back to the one or two advertisements he'd heard over the years. "You mean that vampire guy that never losses? What does he need saving from?"

"Well, in several upcoming episodes, Rianna is kidnapped by the evil Dr. Snorge." the first executive explained. Dana had to stifle a snort of laughter at the name 'Snorge'. "When Nyte Blade tries to rescue her, her father, slash uncle, slash brother, slash former lover, Count Shockula captures him and places him in the dungeons of Castle Dirge. He must be rescued or all is lost."

The way the man gave this explanation was laughable. He had adopted that cliched dramatic voice-over voice. As if the content of this disastrous show wasn't bad enough, the man explaining it to them sounded like a an over-actor pining for a part...

"You...have got to be kidding me."

This whole thing...was kind of insulting.

The titans have saved countless of people millions of times over, battled blood thirsty villains and seen things many men and women wouldn't even dream of.

And now they were stuck doing a cheesy soap opera.

This is total SHIT!

The room was backed with fat men in suits, talking about ratings and appealing to youth. Rose had could the show a few times, and was disgusted with what she saw. It was basically all about how a girl had to choose between to super hot male vampires who where both desperately in love with. her.

Puke puke and more puke.

CEREBRAL could write a better love story.

"Umm...this Doctor snot-"

"Doctor Snorge." The overly dramatic fat cat corrected her.

"Alright, doctor Snorge...what's the motive here? and...will we be playing ourselves...or what?" Rose asked, crossing her arms.

"Well, I'm glad you asked!" said the exec. "Mr. Green Lantern here will be playing 'Emerald Slicer', the most powerful Emerald Ranger in the cosmos. Meanwhile, you'll be playing 'Lightress', the misunderstood yet dangerous she-hero. The two of you are romantically involved."

The man tacked this last bit on almost proudly, which led Dana to believe it had been his idea. But he wasn't about to open that little can of ego-strokage. He leaned back in his chair, thinking about the proposal for a moment...

"So that's a yes on the whole 'we're playing ourselves thing.'" he nodded. "I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those stupid characters that goes around talking about how he can't pursue the love of his life because of the rules of his sacred order."

He chuckled slightly.

"About that, um..." on of the execs began.

"Oh, no!" Dana said flatly. "That is not happening. No way. Uh-un. No."

Rose honestly didn't know if she should laugh or smash the chair she was sitting on. Her cheeks reddened automatically as she scowled. "Romantically INVOLVED? Who's smart idea was-" Rose caught the man's smug grin ans stopped mid sentence. "Oh for the love of God." She glared before taking a a breath to calm herself down.

Of course, as soon as the execs spoke up, Rose's frustration grew even more.

"Oh come on..." She muttered under her breath, looking over at Dana. She couldn't resist a giggle. "Oh poor you EMERALD SLICER, you have to be madly in love with me and you can't do nothing about it!" She sniggered, oh the teasing she had in stall for him.

Wait to the others at titan south heard about this.

Then BOTH of them would be getting teased.

"Come on you two, who doesn't love a good old tale of forbidden love? The ratings would go through the roof! It is veiwer FODDER!" One man said, looking every excited as a few others nodded in agreement.

"Look." Dana said with a sigh. "It's not that I don't find the idea charming and all, but I don't really feel like embarrassing myself on national television this existence, so I'll take a pass I think."

Dana stood up. He was at the door when the exec spoke up once more, stopping him in his tracks.

"There's two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars in it for the charity of your choosing if you participate." the man said, his tone enticing. "Surely that's worth a few episodes worth of your time?"

Dana turned slowly on the spot and looked the man up and down in his seat. After a moment, he sighed, grinning.

"No." he said. "That's not worth it. But I might be convinced if there was an 'each' at the end of that sentence."

"Five-hundred thousand?!" the exec croaked.

"If it's worth our time, surely it's worth a bit more of your money, Mr. Fortune Five-Hundred." Dana's grin was nothing short of worthy of the Cheshire Cat...

Five-hundred thousand?! Dana moaned internally. Why didn't I just donate the money myself and save myself the time and aggravation of this?

He squirmed as the wardrobe assistant adjusted the ridiculous cod-piece attached to the white and green skin-tight jump-suit he'd been squeezed into. His Green Lantern uniform was active beneath it. It just made it all seem even more ridiculous. The absurd gauntlets and boots, the huge Elvis collar, the sparkly glitter pattern of green... and the utility belt which seemed to be filled with lead bars. Not to mention the aforementioned groin equipment which wasn't doing his gents any favors...

"We might have to remove this one and sew in a new piece, sir." said the wardrobe guy. "This one's a bit small. I'm thinking two sizes bigger."

"You're not going anywhere near my crotch with a needle, buddy." Dana said flatly. "And I already feel like I have a bowl strapped to me. Why do we even need this nonsense? Isn't my Green Lantern uniform enough?"

"Was a sketch enough for DaVinci?!" said a dramatic voice, making Dana look around. The individual who had spoken was a pompous, beret-wearing oddity whose very appearance screamed 'wannabe artist'. "Was a theory enough for Einstein?!"

"Uh... yeah, actually." Dana said. "DaVinci's main body of work was almost exclusively sketches and Einstein was a theoretical physicist..."

"Details!" the man said dramatically, his horrible English accent not even beginning to cover up his Jersey conk. "They have no place on my set."

Dana almost snorted.

"Now, now, now!" the man continued. "Are you ready to see how the magic is done?"

"Uh... yeah?" Dana said. "Lead on, I guess."

"Fabulous!"

Within a few minutes, Dana was entering the sound stage. He found himself on the edge of a lengthy assemblage of set pieces. There was a small gaggle of actors and actresses gathered around. This was going to be interesting...

"Ow...ow ow ow ow OW!"

"Keep still! You'll mess up your hair!"

Rose stared at her reflection in horror, almost falling backwards in shock. "I look like a knock of star fire puked on me..." She muttered, grabbing her long hair that had been curled and coated in hair spray. The stylist smacked her hand away and grinned.

"You look gorgeous darling! Now don't touch your hair." The woman said her voice high pitched and incredibly annoying in Rose's opinion. Rose's 'power suit' as it was called, was made from a gold shiny fabric she didn't recognise. It her legs and mid rim were completely exposed, basically the only things the suit covered was the feminine parts of her physique if you know what I mean.

What annoyed Rose the most was the ridiculous breast padding. To her it looked like someone dumped to golden ice cream comes on her chest. Every Bit of skin left exposed had been covered in glitter gel.

"Let's just get this over with..." She muttered, which resulted in an excited giggle from the stylist. "Ohhhh you are going to look so good on camera! Am I genius or am I a genius?" She squealed and pushed rose out the door towards the set.

Dispute her bruised pride, Rose had to laugh when she got a loud of Dana.

"Looking good glowstick!"

"I feel like an imbecile." Dana muttered as he was joined by Rose. Had he taken a look at her before he spoke, he might not have been able to speak, what with the fit of laughter he had to fight tooth and nail to avoid uttering out loud. He had to cover his mouth with one hand and hug his torso with the other just to avoid bursting out. It was the closest he could get to looking dignified.

"WHERE ARE MY ASSISTANTS?!" screamed an angry woman suddenly, making Dana look around. The woman stormed across the set toward the director, who was already sitting in his chair behind the camera like he was an artist who couldn't be disturbed. Dana couldn't help but find this more than a little distracting from the looming fit which still threatened him. It was confusing to say the least considering the gaggle of people following her didn't seem to be members of the wardrobe or make-up departments. If he had to guess, they were her assistants.

"Oh, Bethany, calm yourself!" said the director. "You wanted us to fire your assistants, so we did. Those are your new assistants."

Sure enough, he indicated the group of five or so trailing her. Every. Last. One of them looked like they just came back from the Vietnam War. Or, at least, the horrified expressions of exhaustion on their faces were highly reminiscent.

"Well, they're morons!" Bethany roared. "Get rid of them. I want new assistants! TODAY!"

"Anything you say, my dear." the director cooed. "And may I just say, you look ravishing today."

A matter of opinion, Dana thought. She looked like she'd been beautiful once upon a time, before the plastic surgeons had gotten to her. Now she had big hair, bigger lips, massive breasts and a butt that would put even the most bodacious starlets to shame. And not one bit of it was real. Maybe he fell on the other side of the beauty debate, but Dana found he didn't have much of an attraction to someone so vain they would surgically alter themselves just to be more 'beautiful'. Of course, the fact that she looked like she was fresh off a cocaine bender and was wearing what could only be described as a corset and hotpants with thigh-high pink boots didn't help the situation.

"I wonder if anything on this show has integrity..." he muttered before he could stop himself.

"Oh, it used to." said a voice speaking in an English accent right behind him. He looked around and found himself looking at a man wearing a stereotypical evil doctor outfit, a steaming cup of coffee in his hands. The man extended a hand. "William Donald Olesley." he said, introducing himself. "AKA, the evil Dr. Snorge."

The man's tone was more than a little tinged with exasperation. Dana shook his hand.

"Green Lantern." he said as he did so. "This is Equinox."

"Guest stars, I see." Olesley said, nodding as he looked them up and down. "Vierro wasted no time in making ridiculous." he sighed. "I'd apologize, but I'd be obliging myself to continue doing so all day. This set fakes fools of us all."

"You don't seem the sort to take a part like Snorge, if you don't mind my saying." Dana said slowly. "I may be wrong, but you seem like you actually have a brain."

"Oh, you're not wrong. Not at all." Olesley said, chucking wryly. "Had I known now what I didn't when I took the job, I'd never have accepted it in the first place. This show used to be about a private detective who wrote an anonymous column about his exploits in the paper called 'Vampire Journals', a reference to the sorts of metaphorical blood-sucking evil which stalks the night in the fair city of Haven's Rock, the original setting city. The protagonist, Jack Stanfield would go around solving crimes and then write about it. The concept of the series had a great deal of integrity. That's what interested me. I was supposed to be his Moriarty. But, then the vampire craze hit and the studio gave the series to 'Coppola' over there." he pointed at the director.

"Why stick around?" Dana asked. "I mean... Snorge?"

"Well, I'll confess the name was my fault." Olesley sighed. "When the foolish ideas started rolling in, I figured there was no way they'd actually use such a ridiculous name. So in a fit of very poorly timed sarcasm, I suggested the name 'Snorge'. Believe it or not, it wasn't much better than the other names they were throwing around for the character. But, of course, the director took a shine to that nightmare of a name and ran with it."

"I would have left." Dana admitted. "There's no way. If I wasn't taking in a few hundred grand for charity, I wouldn't even be doing this."

"Well. I figured the series would end itself." Olesley said, shrugging. "After all, who would enjoy... this? But again, I miscalculated. Degrees from Oxford, Cambridge, and the University of Edinburgh, ten years in the Royal Shakespeare Company, and another five on Broadway and here I am, type-cast as quasi-Nazi mad scientist with a perpetual inability to keep a headcase of a damsel away from a man who gives pornography acting a bad name."

Olesley shook his head for a moment, then paused...

"Did you say they're paying you with a donation to charity?" he asked.

"Yes, why?" Dana nodded, still smiling from Olesley's comments.

"Ah, well... No reason, really." Olesley shook his head. "I'm going to see if I can track down a doughnut somewhere..."

And with that, he turned and headed off toward the catering station. Dana looked around at Rose, chuckling a bit.

"Well, it's nice to know at least one person here is a normal human being..." he said. A moment later, he nearly jumped with a thunderous burp sounded right next to them. He looked around in time to see a beer-bellied man who looked as though he'd just crawled out from under a trailer home and who was sporting a black eye walk past, barking: "I ain't seen mah mornin' hot-dog yet!"

He was immediately attacked by a small army of make-up artists dealing with his many bruises and bringing him any number of foods unfit for human consumption at his demand. It wasn't long after this rather amazing sight presented itself that another man, more of a pretty-boy, walked past saying the name 'Nyte Blade' over and over again with varying tones of inflection.

"I can't believe these people are idolized..."

"Shut it greeny, At least I don't look like Elvis gone wrong..." She hissed at Dana as he bit back a fit of boyish giggles. She quickly elbowed him in the side when a unearthly voice yelled at the top of her lungs, almost causing Rose to jump out of her cone bra. Turning, Rose's eyes found the lead female of the show, yelling about some poor assistants, who seemed to be trembling in fear.

Oh joy, Ms. Plastic fantastic has entered the building.

Rose didn't know weather it was the hot pants or the big lips...but she knew her and that chick where NOT going to get along.

I hope the script calls for me to slap her...

Rose's thoughts were broken by the sound of a extra voice standing close to her and Dana, she quickly snapped her neck around to see. A man with an English accent who Rose recognized from the posters as doctor snot or what ever the evil scientist was called. She politely nodded as Dana introduced her under her hero name, before turning her attention back to the set.

It was actually a real shame, the props for this show were breath taking, not like some shows where you could tell the pot plant in the corner was totally fake. Rose was beginning to find her 'suit' incredibly uncomfortable, hoping they would get their scripts to run through the dress rehearsal so they could go home.

From behind her, Rose could hear the irritating sound of some guy repetitively saying 'Nyte Blade' Over and over again, each different tone of voice he said it in was even more annoying then the last.

"I can't believe these people are idolized..." Dana muttered flatly, and she couldn't help but agree. "That makes to of us glowstick..." She murmured in reply, when out of no where a figure appeared infront of them.

He was tall, with dark brown eyes and hair that was slicked back with way to much hair gel. She shot the two a smug grin, flashing his unnaturally white teeth as he did so.

"Ahh, you must be the guest stars? So, tell me how it feels to be working with such a successful actor such as Nyte Blade?" He said, and it suddenly dawned on Rose who he was.

Oh Brother...here we go...

His name escaped her, But Rose had heard that the actor who played Nyte Blade, the vampire prince, was a poster boy womanizer.

His gaze shifted to Rose, and a different kind of smile creeped onto his face. "Well, the director didn't inform me that the 'heroes' would be so...dazzling." Rose resisted the urge to slap him as she noticed his eyes lingering on her chest before returning to meet her eyes.

"Heheh...nice to meet you too..." Rose muttered a little unconfortably, she wasn't exactly used to men looking at her...like that.

"Well, I don't know if we exactly qualify as 'dazzling', but the both of us can turn heads when we want to. Of course... that isn't usually attributable to our appearances." Dana said. "But then, when you save the world for a living, it never hurts to have a formidable reputation."

This was too good. The Milo Kessig, walking epitome of shallow quasi-stardom on earth. The few instances where Dana had seen the man talking had told him everything he needed to know Kessig didn't have two neurons to fire together. He also had the habitual tendency toward referring to himself in the third person, a hallmark, of course, of the most overbearing circles of douche-baggery.

"You know, you look kinda familiar..." Kessig said, brandishing a finger at Dana. "Nyte Blade has seen you somewhere..."

"The nightly news, maybe?" Dana smiled, humoring the man's stupidity. He hooked two fingers around the collar of his costume jacket and pulled it aside slightly, revealing the Mark of Oa on his true uniform. Kessig took one look at it and clapped his hands together.

"That's it!" he said. "Now Nyte Blade remembers! You're that Purple Candle guy!"

"Ahem." Dana said. "Actually, it's Green Lantern. That's... why the uniform is green."

"Oh, right, right!" Kessig said, nodding. "Yeah. Nyte Blade doesn't have the best color vision. Kinda looked purple."

"It might have something to do with the fact that you're wearing orange sunglasses." Dana suggested, his smile still plastered on his face. "But hey! That's why we put a badge on the uniform at the Green Lantern Corps. -- You never know who can't see your color, you know?"

"Nyte Blade endorses that remark." Kessig nodded.

"Oh, good!" Dana nodded. "Now I can start that color gradient awareness charity."